That’s is also true of service staff at bars and restaurants.

But what’s surprising to me is I learned this is a thing even the staff itself doesn’t seem to realize sometimes. There was a cute bartender I saw frequently who was always extremely cheerful and sweet to me, after she moved out of state, one of the other bartenders at the same tavern told me she was into me and was surprised I never said or did anything…

Like, what the actual fuck the universe fucking hates me. Why tell me that after the fact??? To torture me? Holy shit. You guys are working for tips I can’t trust that just because you’re extra nice to me that you actually like me.

If you are in the service industry and you have a crush on a regular: you have to make the first move, not them. The gendered expectations go out the door. If the regular is the one to make the first move that in of itself is a yellow flag. I’m not saying don’t date them they just might be willing to take the risk but they might also be a oblivious narcissist.

Conversely, people in rural areas are simply desperate for friends. Within 2 months of moving to the country, we had different 2 couples who made it clear they wanted to give being friends a proper go - simply because they are desperate and we seem like we’re on a similar vibe.

You lucked out. I’ve lived in a ton of rural areas and its almost always Trump country and at best maybe some centrist/libertarian wackos or even if there are lefties they’re religious or something. The only rural types that are OKish are the hippy types, and even they can be annoying in large doses with their nonsense spirituality, smell, and cliquey musical tastes. I never end up living near the hippies though.

That said, “desperate to make friends” is something I have observed in rural and suburban areas. Its just by living there, so are you. I’d rather be able to filter through a large number of people and find people that match my specific beliefs as close as possible than be stuck with a dice roll of just a few (sometimes distant) neighbors.

You are going to need to elaborate. Are you saying you choose frequent access to outdoors hobbies rather than socializing or ease of access to a community?

I wish I had that in my 20’s. I’m trying to salvage things in my late 30’s.

Villages can be ok. It still fundamentally limits you to the median type of person though, and I’m pretty strange and picky, I need big numbers so I can find my people.

You’d have ample chances to meet some though. That is basically what I’ve been doing for the past 4 months since moving into my apartment with a surprising amount of success, given how crotchety and autistic I am.

Honestly, just moving into a semi-walkable 120k pop city did wonders for my social life. Its literally just the convenience of being able to just go and socialize on a dime basically whenever.

People moving into suburbia and rural areas are insane. Just asking for mental illness.

I used to think so too. Then I had a properly abusive partner. Mentally, physically, financially.

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing better.

I’ve since come to realize that being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is not worth it. And that you need to find meaning in your life BEFORE you can be happy in a relationship.

I don’t believe in a meaning in the first place. Just experiences & seeking contentment.

Also, I have plenty of things I’m into, but I tend to hyper focus on projects. And if I’m focused on something other than seeking a relationship, I seem to be incredibly bad at picking up signals and chances.

Now that I’m hyper fixated on the dating/hook-up/relationship hunt, I notice I’m excellent at it. I’m just kind of miserable doing anything else that I previously enjoyed because I normally enjoy a lot of solo activities and my brain is constantly haunting me with “Shouldn’t you be out looking for a partner?” constantly.

Its not so much that I need a partner to be whole, its that I need a steady partner so I can close out this “project” of mine. I may end up closing it out with a fail state eventually, and I’ll be upset but I’ll be able to live with that because at least I tried. There is a sort of soft end point in mind.

Hmm, perhaps you’re right. Just try to remember that good relationships can exist too, even if you run into several bad ones. Otherwise the bad will consume you.

I’m poly/ENM, don’t believe in “destined love” or Victorian/classic romance, and value my sovereignty a lot. I’m not seeking to own someone or have them own me. I’m simply seeking deep and long lasting love. I’m what you could describe as “Theriromantic” or “Paleoromantic” but those are not terms unfortunately. There is a very low risk of a bad relationship consuming me to the point that I risk being stuck in one.

Masking in a relationship isn’t healthy.

TBH, at this point the original me is long dead. I am my masks.

Further, there are legitimately elements of my personality that I don’t even share with family. The only place I open myself up is arguably on the internet. I’m a bitter, mean, terrified, self loathing, and arrogant person on the inside. Benevolent in many respects materially perhaps, willing to give time and energy and resources to my friends and family. But on a emotional level I’m a walking festering clump of scar tissue that I cannot dare share with people without bringing about discomfort or even revulsion from them.

Being single is better than the feeling of having to filter yourself for the one person that’s supposed to just get you.

But for the love of flying spaghetti monster, don’t waste your life dating people who make you feel bad for being the pure, unadulterated version of yourself. I’ve made that mistake multiple times. It wears you down over time. You get in a relationship and you’re happy. It takes time to notice you have to pretend you’re someone else. By the end, you hate the other person and yourself. Fuck that. It’s not worth it. Find yourself someone that can’t get enough of your quirkiness.

Just do yourself a favour and start reducing the filter as soon as possible when talking to a potential romantic interest, whether it’s in real life or online. They might find you more interesting that way anyway and you also won’t get stuck wasting your time on someone who doesn’t like the real you.

Be single for as long as I have and you’d realize that being in a bad relationship is at least a life experience. Being single is hollow. Its empty.

A big reason I’ve been single for so long is I’ve been on autopilot and focusing on personal projects, but I’ve essentially missed so many chances due to my obliviousness as a result. Now that I’m hyper fixated on finding someone, I’ve gotten multiple chances and slowly gotten better at the "game’. I’m getting closer, I can feel it. I am miserable doing this “project” though, but that misery will pass once I either find someone or fully give up. I don’t do things half ass. Its all or nothing.

To be frank, I need to experience a bad relationship that lasts longer than a week and that isn’t just a hook up situation. I need the bad experience. I need to fail faster. If the relationship ends up being good, great. But I’ll be glad to feel anything.

And I mean dating apps suck but I’ve met some great people on Tinder of all places. It’s probably the worst of them all, but really the only one with a big enough userbase in my country. It’s a pure numbers game. Even 1% is a big number if you swipe thousands upon thousands of profiles over time. Or join groups for whatever hobby you’re most passionate about. Discord servers will do even. It’s 2026. There’s probably babies out there whose GRANDPARENTS met playing vidya. Nothing to be ashamed of.

I’m using the apps. I definitely despise them, but I’m using them.

Horror for you as you approach death as well.

If you think you’ll “be ready” when faced by impending oblivion, I’d say maybe, but probably not.

My maternal grampa wasn’t and he was old as shit when he died. The only reason the rest of my grandparents were OK with dying is because they thought they were going to fucking heaven.

But we don’t have the choice to have never existed. Once you exist, its kind of a pandora’s box. And ceasing to exist after you’ve started to exist is a unfathomable horror.

So unless I just want hook ups, I just need to hope I stumble upon less than 1% of the population. And not only that a population that goes out significantly less often and tends to be generally shy.

Great. Love it. I’m totally not going to die alone with this plan.

Nah, realistically I’ll get an allistic. And to some degree I’ve learned the allistic romance game, I’m just a novice. Helps a little that I’m an ace at making friends at this point.

If you can’t let your obsessions and natural thoughts all hang out with a person… were they partner mater- wait, well, you can’t do this with allistic people at all as an autistic person and allistics make up like 99% of the population.

Always have to filter your thoughts at first. Let that stuff out in drips. Then once comfortable you let it all hang out.

Its because teachers hate the idea that a smart student isn’t enthusiastic about the topic they’re teaching and that they’d do clearly what is their bare minimum and then mentally drop out. Its insecurity.

I had a ton of teachers like this.

I’m in my late 30’s but visibly pass for late 20’s.

Skincare, not-smoking, standing desk & walking everywhere, and avoiding UV by being a fucking perpetual indoor nerd. (My diet isn’t too horrible either but its not great)

I don’t relate to anyone, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40+ year olds. They might as well all be aliens. So it doesn’t matter that much.

I’ve never understood how people go straight to “wishing for more wishes” and then immediately give up when the genie tells them no.

An individual wish is not by default limited by anything meaningful. One wish can easily be worth thousands of other lesser wishes. All you’d have to do is wish for the ability to grant yourself wishes. Or write up a “contract” or something and simply request that the thing you wrote was true, and that contract could have any number of things written on it. You could even go heavy on rules lawyering to get around “monkey’s paw” risks when you write it all up.

Its ultimately just a restriction of language. If you wanted to wish for a boat, you wouldn’t wish for each individual component and manufacturing process of a boat in extreme detail, you’d just ask for a boat. You can do that with any arbitrarily defined thing of your choice that you yourself define.

I respect the honesty. Also consider replacing Paw Patrol and Cocomelon ASAP.

While I naturally want to contribute to society, I do not have a duty to it. I did not choose to be here. Much like the kids in question.

I don’t give a shit about what the parents think or want as parents. Having a kid doesn’t make your desires elevated over child-free people. In fact tbh you are under a minor moral debt in my eyes.

I think its more that those hobbies are thrust upon you by the child. Your willingness to engage with them smooths it all out. Not everyone has patience for kid friendly activities and some find them incredibly boring.

For instance… I work in childcare. Almost all of my personal favorite activities are very non-child friendly… (then again I also engaged with many of my favorite non-child-friendly pass times way younger than most people would be comfortable with…) I find most sanitized “kid friendly” activities pretty unbearably boring.

The kids themselves are fine though. And if anything I think they’d agree with me. If I busted out a super violent video game or something they’d probably cool with it. It’d be my fellow counselors and parents who’d take issue.

If anything my experience with kids almost softened my desire to get sterilized and cement my child free life. Kids seem fine to me. Its just all the social restrictions and expectations around them and obviously the energy, money, and time commitment. (Also I’m a soft-anti-natalist.)

They’re for my personal use and they serve the purpose I use them for fine with a 2 second inconvenience for one of them. Worth saving the money or so to replace them for the time being, especially if I need uniform monitors to maximally work with Linux without issue. Also it reduces e-waste.

I don’t give a fuck about what you think of my character, so the only thing calling me lazy and cheap achieves is just makes me think you’re angry for no good reason.