Maybe a Starbook from Starlabs? https://starlabs.systems/pages/starbook

Or a V54 from NovaCustom?: https://novacustom.com/product/v54-series/

Or a Jupiter Pro from Juno Computers?: https://junocomputers.com/product/jupiter-14-pro-v3/

Or InfinityBook Pro 14 from Tuxedo?: https://www.tuxedocomputers.com/en/TUXEDO-InfinityBook-Pro-14-Gen9-INTEL.tuxedo

None of them are ticking every box but worth a look.

It’s contacts syncing that I’m stuck on. Hoping to do something with a box running OMV but I’ve never come across anything so simple as Google Contacts 😔

I think from an apps perspective, it looks less “strange” so anything out of the ordinary and a lot of apps just flag as “must be rooted”. Graphene has a lot of changes for security reasons that make it look “out of the ordinary”. It’s sad because if the apps were designed to understand the changes implemented in Graphene, they’d understand it’s probably even more secure than a regular Android ROM.

Following that, there’s also the Wasted app:

https://f-droid.org/packages/me.lucky.wasted/

It sits in the background and you set it to wipe your phone if you haven’t unlocked it for a set number of days, the counter resets when you unlock the phone.